Pain and Confusion

Today Kristen and I drove Andre to the airport to send him off for another 2 months, when he can come visit his family again for Christmas. I kept waiting for it to hit Kristen and figured that bedtime would be the time.

Sure enough bedtime came and Kristen had a stomach ache and wanted to sleep in bed with me. She was crying and saying how much she liked having her father around and she knew that it had to be like this but it still hurt her. She then began crying about the cat being sick and maybe dying.

She seems to have tied loss and pain to animals and that is how she copes. She has transferred her pain of her grandparents and all her loss to our dog Zena and now Coco.

I am left thinking is 2008 the year of loss for our family and will we make it through? Coco won't live too much longer, he is getting sick and crying all the time again. Aama is getting older and who knows how much longer she has. We have lost my parents and moved our lives, uprooted from family and friends and separated an immediate family, all for the love of family. How ironic is that?

Will this be a good experience for Kristen that shows her the power of love and family or will she resent me putting my elderly grandmothers needs above hers? Will be away from her father for almost a year be a serious detriment to her life or will she learn to appreciate time and love more for this experience?

How I wish I had a crystal ball and knew that all our decisions were the best ones for all of us. How I wish I knew how to proceed and do the right thing. How I wish I knew that at the end of all this pain, separation and turmoil will be our reward and paradise. But I guess that is what faith is.

But its moments like this that I am thankful that my daughter needs me and wants to sleep with me so I don't have to feel so alone as well. Comforting her allows me to feel my own pain and get support from her. One day she may read this and know that I need her as much as she needs me during this time. Truly we are all we have right now and what I know for sure is that we can get through anything no matter how much it hurts.